#33 I feel okay!
This weekend really offered some big reflections and realizations for me. I finally feel like the worst part of my injury is over, both physically and mentally. I had this calming, reassuring, wonderful feeling that woah, I am okay.
This Saturday was Beauty and the Pitch 7s, a fundraising tournament for ADEDAR, a non profit organization that uses rugby to empower youth and women in Mozambique, Africa. It still feels kind of weird for me to say but I was the tournament director! I really put a lot of time and work into this tournament over the past 6 months. I was super stressed the weeks leading up to it because I wasn’t sure we were going to have enough teams to even have a tournament and I was waiting to hear back from a an organization that, without their approval, we wouldn’t be able to have the tournament. There were moments when I thought I would never direct a tournament again… but seeing Beauty and the Pitch come to life on tournament day made all the stress melt away :) I was so overwhelmingly happy seeing all the helping hands from my little community come together; teammates from college, players from my local rugby club, parents of past teammates, the Relentless staff at my gym, local sports organizations I used to play for growing up, and my friends and family outside of the rugby community. It really showed me how generous and kind people can be. We raised just under $2,000 for ADEDAR’s women’s team in Mozambique AND had a day filled with great rugby, smiles, and support.
I realized that rugby can still bring me joy, energy, and warmth even when I can’t play.
During the recovery of my second ACL surgery I really struggled to be at practice. I felt envious watching my teammates run, tackle, and play. I was thankful to help coach but I wanted so badly to be on the field, wearing my number 12 jersey. I was so focused on me. It was like I was zoomed in, closed off to the broader picture, with my inability to play as the driver to my frustration with myself and others. This weekend’s positive emotions lead me to broaden my perspective and to see a fuller picture. I loved watching the girls play. I loved watching all the volunteers, fans, and my family play barefoot touch during a break between games. Their joy and love for the game brought me joy. That’s some freudenfreude right there.
I’ve also realized that I am so much more than an athlete. Yes, rugby and being an athlete is in my identity but, there is so much more to me than that.
When reflecting on some of the happiest moments in my life one period came to mind, it was during my gap year when I spent 4 months traveling through China, Vietnam, Cambodia, and Thailand with 11 strangers turned friends. You bet your booty I brought my rugby ball on that trip and enjoyed a couple of games in the sand showing my new friends how to tackle. But I wasn’t playing rugby competitively. I realized that I don’t need competitive rugby to be happy, to feel purposeful, to feel present, and to feel so wonderfully alive. Don’t get me wrong, some of my best memories are in rugby but some of my best memories are also outside of rugby. It may sound simple but when you’re in the middle of a devastating injury it really is not easy to see.
Healing takes time. I am sure I will face the more difficult emotions about my injury again. But right now I am going to do my best to soak up and savor these positive ones.
Today I am 5 weeks post surgery, continuing to take those baby steps going forward :)