#22 Failure Means You’re Finally in the Game

I was shamelessly stalking USA Rugby’s Kathryn Treder when I came across her post with a quote from Abby Wambach on women in sports, “Our gratitude is how power uses the tokenism of a few women to keep the rest of us in line.” I wanted to hear more so off to google I went.  

Since then I listened to Brene Brown’s podcast with Abby Wambach on the New Rules of Leadership, watched Abby’s commencement speech to the Barnard graduating class of 2018, and added Abby’s book Wolfpack to the top of my reading list. My greatest takeaway, “you can be grateful for what you have and demand what you deserve.” It turns out that I was wrong in my other blog post, being grateful and demanding isn’t a paradox at all. 

Immediately after watching the commencement speech, I sent a follow up text to my rugby club’s administration regarding a bonus I requested at a meeting a few weeks ago.

The day of that meeting I wrote this:

‘Today I cried, rather hard, in front of my rugby club’s administration even though I had just listened to a Think Fast Talk Smart podcast on giving away your power through sadness over anger. I wanted to rock into this meeting strategically composed and confident buuuut the frustration showed itself in my tears instead. I get paid almost half the salary as the men’s players while having additional jobs and responsibilities added to my contract. 

I have been seeing examples of strong female athletes, teammates, and mentors speaking up and taking action against inequality in their fields (sometimes literal fields @XVFoundation & USA Women’s Soccer) and they have inspired and empowered me to speak up too. I felt stronger than one in that meeting today even though I was seated alone crying trying to most effectively rebuttal the following comments in response to my complaint:
 

• “That’s the market”

• “We can’t go 0 to 100, we’re closing the margin”

• “Most players work full time jobs and study and don’t get paid”

• “I understand it’s not fair”

• “I also know it’s not fair that I shop at Zara when they use child labor but what am I gonna do?”

• “I have a daughter”

• “A man did it the last 2 years, it’s not about women doing the laundry”

• “What if I last minute changed the contract and told you that you would be camping and living in a tent?”’
  

Since I wasn’t in a proper state of mind to rebuttal these in the moment, I’m going to take the time to break them down now:

“That’s the market”

Why is it the market? Why, on average, are men offered a higher salary in sports than women? Many times people say men’s sides bring in more money so they should get paid more. Let’s dissect this little number… If you get paid well to play a sport, there is greater incentive to play a sport and to become great at it. When you think of money in sports what comes to mind? Most likely the NFL and NBA. Young boys can see themselves in these well-known, wealthy athletes. They’re encouraged to pursue a life of athletics. Whereas young girls see less opportunity in sports. They are taught that character traits like aggression and competitiveness associated with sport are not “very lady like.” AND they are taught that physical traits associated with sport are not appealing. I remember being told one day from a stranger that muscles are for men and I should stop lifting so much or boys won’t like me. He also said I was starting to look like John Cena…. (More on that in a future post).

If women get paid more in athletics there will be a greater incentive for girls to pursue athletics, increasing social acceptance of women in sport, increasing the number of girls and women in sports, increasing the level of play, increasing the fan base, increasing the amount of funding, marketing, and resources. HOT DOG! All from an increase in women’s salary. What an investment!

As mentioned in this awesome article I came across by Liesl Goecker yes, investing more in women’s sports is a risk without a guaranteed return. But with risk can come BIG rewards! The potential for growth in women’s sports is HUGE.

Nike invested in the US Women’s Soccer Team during the 2019 World Cup. And what happened? The U.S. women’s soccer team jersey is now the best-selling soccer jersey of all time and gender on Nike.com. 

If you show that your club values women’s players I guarantee there will be an increase in performance, in number of players, in positive marketing for the club, and success of the club. The market will equalize if you pay women more. Take a risk, try it out, see what happens ;)

“We can’t go 0 to 100, we’re closing the margin”

From his perspective things are improving. The women’s players are getting paid more now than they used to and the women now have access to the physio which apparently they didn’t before, and I should be thankful for that. And he’s right, I am thankful! Who doesn’t love physios? But, access to the physio and getting paid “more than before” is still not equality. We deserve more. We are worthy. We are qualified. So let’s get that 0 to 100 on full blast.

“Most players work full time jobs and study and don’t get paid”

Yes, this is true for both the women’s and men’s club in Getxo. But I am talking about the paid, contracted players. This is taking away attention from the actual problem presented. Whether intentional or not, I believe this statement also insinuates that I should be thankful I am getting paid at all to play. All too often women are made to feel ungrateful when we ask for what we deserve. There are also players on the men’s team who have full time jobs, study, and don’t get paid but that doesn’t change the fact that those who do get paid, get paid more than their female counterparts. Why is it that socially we recognize men for earning their paid position but insinuate that women are lucky to be there?  

“I understand it’s not fair”

Okay! This is good! So what are you going to do about it?

“I also know it’s not fair that I shop at Zara when they use child labor but what am I gonna do?”

He ended up taking back this statement after he said it but I think it’s worth writing about. For one thing I think simply don’t shop at Zara if you know they use child labor. This is to say that you acknowledge a problem but there is nothing you can do about it, you are powerless to the situation. But that’s just not true. We pick and choose through our actions what matters to us. We choose. It is a choice to do nothing. Inaction and passivity is a decision itself. 

If you cared enough to do something about it, you would. I think a problem in our world today is we more often choose action on the things that impact us directly. We choose to not prioritize the injustices of people who are not like us whether it be class, race, ethnicity, nationality, gender, or sexuality. And the people who choose not to take action are usually the ones who hold more power thus making it even more difficult to put an end to the injustice.

And that’s on privilege!!!  

My club’s board, like many sports organization boards, is all men. A group of men are making the decisions impacting women’s rugby. They have the power to change it. You have the power to not shop at Zara, AND you can even support organizations fighting to end child labor if you choose to. 

The bottom line is, at the very least, take accountability and understand that your inaction is a choice.

“I have a daughter” 

I feel that this one is consistently used to try and somehow relate to other side to make sure you know they’re one of the “good guys”. It reminds me of when people against the Black Lives Matter movement say “I have a black friend.” Like okay, so don’t you want what’s best for this person? Don’t you want to understand how you can better support them in a society that culturally and socially continues to build barriers? If you have a daughter and you’re being complacent in the situation does that mean you would be okay with your daughter not only doing the same job and getting paid less but actually working more hours, having more responsibilities, and still getting paid and valued less? Do you accept that “that’s just the way it’s going to be” for her?

“A man did it the last 2 years, it’s not about women doing the laundry”

You are correct. It’s not about women doing the laundry, it’s about women having more responsibilities and getting paid less.

“What if I last minute changed the contract and told you that you would be camping and living in a tent?”

His point here is that the contract is the contract. It was agreed upon before I got here so it’s unfair for me to ask to change it just like it would be unfair for them to change things on their end. And this, well yes, honestly this checks out. I agreed to my salary and my responsibilities before coming here and so I will see them through. 

I still think it’s important to acknowledge that the club is placing higher value on men for doing the same work as women. The club is choosing to put more money into the men’s club and actively choosing to place higher value on men’s players. Let’s call it for what it is, sexism. It is a CHOICE to put more of the club’s money into the men’s budget. Just like it is a choice to do something or to not. 

I wish I could have had this conversation in a more composed, well thought out manner. I wish I was mentally prepared for the responses I received so that I could better debate and properly articulate the inaccuracies and disappointment I was experiencing. And I wish I had stood up for myself months ago when initially agreeing to the terms. 

But as Abby Wambach says, “failure means you’re finally in the game.” 

No, I didn’t get what I asked for when I spoke up. But, now I’m in the game baby! I feel ready to negotiate my next contract instead of merely accepting an offer in both gratitude and fear of it being taken away. I understand that I can be both grateful and ambitious, grateful and bold, grateful and brave.  

Thank you Kathryn and Abby for helping me turn my frustration and failure into fuel for change. And thank you to Alycia Washington and Kristine Sommer, founders of the XV Foundation, for inspiring women not only to speak up to those in power, but to realize your own power and create the change you need. 

Happy to be in the game with you.