#19 The Paradox of Being Grateful Yet Demanding
08/2021
Over the past year or so my dad has been referring to almost everything as being paradoxical. And at times I’ll admit, it really pissed me off. Not everything is a paradox, Dad. And for certain cases I still feel myself getting upset about seeing the other side. But the more I reflect the more I see paradoxes everywhere and the more I think, shit, my dad is right.
I was talking to a team in Sevilla about playing next season. I was keeping my options open because I really would have loved to go somewhere totally new. But the other opportunities I found continued to fall through. Sevilla is an incredible city filled with sunshine and great humans so I was still super excited about the possibility of returning. I had been in touch with their coach and he had offered me club housing. Financially it wasn’t great because I would have to convert my dollars to euros from my coaching business and I didn’t know if I could get a job in Spain without a proper work visa. I was really looking for a better contract deal because in Getxo I was getting housing, flights, and a stipend which gave me freedom to work on growing my business and training. But, Sevilla insisted they could only offer housing.
One morning I learned that they had contracted a friend of mine with flights and a stipend included. And I’ll admit, it hurt. I really thought the coach wanted me to be a part of the team but it turned out I wasn’t the kind of player they were looking to fully contract. The same morning I got a message from Getxo that they wanted me to return for the next season with a full contract; flights, housing (living with my best friend might I add), and stipend. To be honest it wasn’t really about the money, but it was the feeling that I had about my perceived value from the coach’s perspective. I didn’t want to make up any scenarios in my head for the reasoning behind the decision so I asked to give the coach a call.
Now, this was already going to be a sort of difficult conversation but let’s add in to the mix that I had to do this in SPANISH. lol. So I was even more nervous about being able to properly express myself respectfully. I told him about Getxo and how it might be the better decision for me and asked one more time if anything had changed with their offer. When nothing changed I asked what led them to their decision. He told me it was a tactical decision because they needed someone “super fit.”
Now if we we’re talking 7s I would be like yup okay got it got it got it. Buuuut, this is 15s, and I am absolutely 15s fit, some may even say, super 15s fit. Trying not to sound egotistical here but I know I would have had a very positive impact on the team and I knew skill level wise that I was there. I was left confused and feeling like they didn’t see my worth.
When I called my mom (as I do whenever I need to vent) to tell her about the whole thing she told me to give it a few days before making any decisions to make sure I wasn’t making a reactionary decision. I struggled to grapple with my feelings. Would I be making a decision based on a bruised ego or would I be respecting my expectations and owning my value by deciding to go elsewhere?
I thought of Brene Brown’s book, Rising Strong, when she wrote about giving a talk and how the organization she was doing it for didn’t give her her own room which is something she had asked for. She found herself impatient with her roommate and miserable most of the experience. Reflecting back on it she had realized it was because she agreed to do something she didn’t want to do without her expectations met.
But then the other part of me thinks, swallow your pride Dana. You could live in a gorgeous city for free! And Sevilla is a higher level league than the other options so it’s a good opportunity. You can show up and prove yourself on the field.
I am in the middle of editing the Go Forward Philosophy. As I brainstorm how to base your actions off of one of our key values, growth, I came up with, act in a way that brings you closer to the person you want to be. The paradox is, I want to be someone who knows my value, my worth, and doesn’t settle for less than.
Yet, I also wanted to work hard and prove myself to this coach. But, for what? I’ve realized, I have nothing to prove. I play rugby because I freaking love it with my entire being. There is no right decision here, there are just 2 different ones. I think the key is grappling with and understanding what works for you, and what doesn’t.