#31 3rd Time’s a… freaking sucks
06/02/22 - Today’s style of writing is a little different. This is taken straight from my journal the day I got the call from my doctor about my knee. If you’re an athlete who has experienced an injury, I hope it offers validation of your experience and comfort in knowing you’re not alone.
Today one of my biggest fears was confirmed. It’s a surreal moment hearing the doctor say you have a complete tear of your ACL. Honestly after those words I kind of blacked out the rest… something about a complex tear of the meniscus and something about a flap? I know what surgery and recovery from an ACL tear is like. I know it means I won’t be lifting how I want to or playing rugby for a good while; both which to me encompass a huge part of my identity. I got upset with my mom when she tried to comfort me. I got upset with my friend for being happy on the phone telling me about her walk. I got upset at people trying to expedite my grieving process to a place I wasn’t yet ready to be in. This is anguish. And I need to sit in it.
A week ago I remember looking up the grieving process and seeing denial. My first thought was huh, I think I skipped that one. I accepted this happened. I see it. It sucks but I’m not in denial. I’ve now realized I was in denial about being in denial. I voiced to others and myself that I will grow from this, everything happens for a reason, there is a reason for this. And, that is the truth, I still believe that. But, there’s pain and hurt and grief that I need to allow myself to feel, not just to feel that I mean it but in order to actually grow, I need to feel the pain.
I envisioned me having such a phenomenal WPL season. I envisioned Nationals and how competitive and fun it would be competing with such incredible athletes. I saw myself being a key player at Life West. I saw myself playing the best rugby I have ever played, growing exponentially among some of the very best. That vision was broken. I feel broken. The realness and rawness of that sentence sparked a physical reaction in me. Emotions are embodied. I feel broken.
I can’t make sense of it. I want to trust, I want to believe. I want to “stay positive” but right now that doesn’t feel genuine. I know one day it will, and there are even little moments now when it does.
People keep telling me that I am strong. I want to emphasize that being sad is not weak, crying is not weak. I know I am strong and I feel even stronger with the wonderful support surrounding me but I think that’s the hard thing about vulnerability is it doesn’t make you feel strong. It’s scary and that’s how you know you’re being brave.
I keep thinking about the future… will I be in Doylestown for 9 months recovering? What will I do while I’m here to keep myself occupied? How will I navigate the steps after surgery? What if I do it AGAIN? Yup, fear and anxiety baby, here they are popping up in my noggin. Seems to be a positive to negative cycle. This may be a great time to learn and study; But how will I make money?
How do I find my direction?
What does forward mean to me now or look like for me now?
Who am I without strength training and rugby?
…
These questions, and more, because it’s reflection season baby, I will continue to explore on my recovery journey.
Thank you to those who have been so patient and kind in loving and supporting me when I am at my lowest. I appreciate and love you big time. :)
Especially my mom hehe <3