#39 I Got in a Car Accident
December 14, 2022
This year has been a very challenging one for me. After my ACL tear took me away from competing on the rugby field, I rerouted to focus on developing as a strength and conditioning coach. I have tried to see the positive things, to remember the good that has come from this rough chapter. There has been more time with my family, I’ve started consistently going to therapy, and I have grown exponentially as a coach. But underneath all of that, my heart still feels hurt. I long to play rugby again. I don’t feel like I fit in Pennsylvania and honestly, I feel a bit of shame and guilt living with my parents. I’ve felt an urgency to leave. I feel like I’m being pulled in another direction, yet I can’t figure out where. I’ve been feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and lost.
And then I got in a car accident.
As soon as I made impact with the first car I thought about my mom. Every time my sister or I call her she picks up with a very worried, “is everything okay?” I didn’t feel scared, I felt sad that my mom may receive the call she had always feared. By some miracle, I walked out of the car with only a little concussion and whiplash. I was saved by the Subaru, or the universe, or God, or the little guardian angel bell my mom had put in my sister’s car.
I’ve felt a roller coaster of emotions over the last two weeks. I’ve felt depressed, grateful, anxious, loved, overwhelmed, and lonely. There is a strange serenity in realizing the things I was stressing over really don’t matter. My mind which had been racing about where to go, what to do, who I am, and who I want to be suddenly silenced.
I had been passing through a green light when someone ran the red right into me. There are moments when I replay the accident in my head with different scenarios. Logically I understand it’s not really happening but in my body it feels real. It’s like my body doesn’t register that I am safe. I want to be able to say I’m okay but I’m not. I’m scared of losing someone I love. My chest tightens up when I cross an intersection. I see the fragility of life in a new way. I’m reminded of the vulnerability in what it means to love and be loved deeply.
how i feel :/
This is a visual from the documentary Stutz on Netflix, where Jonah Hill interviews his therapist, Phil Stutz to introduce tools that have really helped Jonah navigate life. My friend Bailey recommended it to me and I’ve recommended it to just about everyone since. It helps me to imagine myself digging through that black cloud with the understanding that there is sunshine on the other side, even if I can’t see it yet. I am learning to hold both sadness and hope and both fear and gratitude. I am learning to be patient with myself and my healing process. I am learning to recognize my values, my energy givers, and my energy drainers so that I can live a life meaningful to me.
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December 15, 2022
Part two of the visual from Stutz: the grateful flow
Oop, look at that, a day later and I am feeling a little bit of the light peaking through. I felt energized today in a way I haven’t experienced in awhile. Bailey asked me if I’ve been doing anything differently. I started eating more whole foods and adding in some cardio. My physical therapist said he wanted me doing at least 30 minutes of cardio a day for my concussion. While I have been dedicated to my strength training since my ACL surgery, I have not been so dedicated to conditioning and wow I forgot how nice it feels to sweat my booty off. Taking better care of my physical health is showing its benefits in my mental health. I have also had more time to myself to journal, reflect, and slow down. Therapy, my sweet bestie Bailey, and my mom have given me a place to vent, cry, and work through my thoughts and fears.
I think my biggest takeaway is that connection is what makes life so precious. And I’ve noticed when my mental health slips, my connections start to distance. But instead of allowing my sadness to separate me from the ones I love, I’ve opened up to people close to me about how I am feeling and prioritized taking care of my physical body. Now I feel closer and more appreciative of these relationships. Those vulnerable moments led to beams of gratitude digging through that black cloud to find the sunshine.
If you’re stuck under the cloud, keep digging :)