#40 I’m Back Baby, Again!

“Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose.” - Brene Brown, Daring Greatly 

Most of you know I’ve torn my ACL 3 times (I talk about it all the time, it’s literally in my bio lol). I turned to Instagram and my writing for support in my healing. I felt open to sharing - it helped me to reflect and stay committed to my recovery. Six months after I returned to play from my 3rd ACL surgery, I broke my foot (Lisfranc or Elizabeth as I like to call her, to be exact) in our last game of the regular season. I needed another surgery. I struggle to find the words to describe how this injury felt to me; it felt like a part of me shut down. The part of me that loved rugby went quiet - I didn’t want to share anymore.

Two years later and I’m back, baby! Ready to share and unpack the last 2 years of trying to find peace with rugby and myself. I kept waiting to have this big breakthrough moment to share, but it turns out, healing is not usually one big epiphany moment. Instead, I have a collection of small moments that have helped me to heal and open my heart up again little by little.

There will never be the perfect moment to share, only the choice to show up. So here I am, ready to engage with my vulnerability - shout out, Brene, love u :)

Breaking my foot, I now recognize, made me angry. Instead of facing that anger, an emotion I really struggle with, I left the country with my boot and adjustable ski pole, hoping to heal through my second greatest love, travel.

During this time I wasn’t even thinking about the possibility of me playing rugby, I was just hoping to feel better.

I went to Malta, England, Scotland, Spain, and France. I spent time with people I love, made new friends, saw new places, and continued to go to the gym regularly. I wasn’t going to let Elizabeth hold me back.

[me on the right with my boot and ski pole exploring Malta with besties Lili and Tahlia]

Externally, things were looking great! Internally, I was struggling to get my freaking light to turn on.
Things should feel great, why am I so unhappy?

My foot was slowly healing, but I still couldn’t run. My surgeon told me it would be a 4 - 6 month recovery, my physical therapist told me I had to wait to run until I got my screws out 6 months post op, online everyone said 9 months to a year for return to sport after an Elizabeth.

I thought maybe I could find my spark by staying connected to rugby in other capacities. I attended a seminar on Diversity and Inclusion in Sports Diplomacy with the US Department of State in Paris, France with some incredible people doing impactful work in sports across Europe and the US. During the seminar, I heard track athlete Reka (@robotgirl_reka) share her story. She was in a horrible car accident and lost her leg. Reka was determined to run again. After many failed attempts, she freaking did it - now she works to make high-quality prosthetics accessible so people can keep running, playing, and doing the sports they love. Hearing her story touched a piece of my heart that I had locked away. It reminded me that we can choose to fight back, to keep going forward even when it’s hard. If Reka can find her way back to running, why can’t I find my way back to rugby?

After the seminar, I was awarded a grant to implement a community rugby project in my home state with Rugby Pennsylvania. During an interview, someone asked me, “Why rugby? Why this sport?” I smiled and gave the best answer I could, but inside, my heart clenched. Instead of feeling the joy, connections, and growth rugby had given me, my mind went to the hurt and the pain. Somewhere along the way, my injuries became the center of my rugby experience. For a long time, rugby was my favorite part of my life. And now, I was kinda pissed at it? I know that I have had many more years of playing rugby than I have had on the sidelines but miss brain of mine has just been focusing on those hard years. That moment made me realize that I needed to heal this part of me still holding onto my injuries, so I could make space to love the game again. 

It was a great idea on paper, but how do I get myself to genuinely feel that? My mind was still obsessing over so many questions…

What if all these injuries are trying to redirect me to something else?

What if these injuries are a lesson in resiliency and I need to keep pushing?

What if I get hurt again?

What if it’s amazing and I play the best rugby I ever have?

I was struggling to find peace in my very active brain.

I didn’t know what to do. So, I went to Mexico. 

I facetimed my mom after my first day of diving in Cozumel and as soon as she saw my face she said, “you’re happy! I can see it.” And as usual, she was right. 

A few years ago when I first started Go Forward, I was playing rugby in Spain and working on my computer during the day. I dreamed about how great it would be if I had a remote job with a salary good enough to travel so I can see the world. Here I am, with a remote job that allows me to travel freely. I have that freedom I yearned for and instead of being in the world, I felt trapped in my head about what the past meant for my future rather than what the present could be for me now. Diving made me present. Have you ever seen a fish swim? I finally began to feel deep and honest gratitude for exactly where I am. 

I still debated about rugby; a part of me wanted to play and another part was resisting. In my mind, going back to rugby competitively meant abandoning the part of me that wants to keep exploring - “what else?” What else has the capacity to light me up? Give me direction? I found that diving is another thing that does that for me. It was exciting to truly feel that life can be so full and bright and beautiful without rugby in it.

For my tarot card girlies, get a load of this:

“The essence of the Phoenix is with us when we realize we have been suffering too long and something must change. We take a stand and decide to live consciously instead of being driven by the unconscious mind and its long list of fears and aversions.”

Like the Phoenix I was rising, baby! My light was turning back on! I felt myself opening up and dreaming again.

It was time to declare for the WER. There was a part of me that wanted to play and a part of me that didn’t - I was scared to lose my light that I just got back! I decided I’ll leave it up to the universe (and Head Coach of the Bay Breakers, Hannah Stolba) on whether or not I would play.

I was both excited and anxious when I got selected for the team. 

I longed for a sign, but not a subtle sign, a smack in the face sign - to know that I am doing the “right” thing for myself. I felt unsure, but I wanted to give it a go. I wanted to give myself the chance to play again. I wanted to challenge myself to face the discomfort and grow.  

Playing rugby again reminded me why I love it - the community, developing and refining skills, forgetting the rest of the world exists when you’re chasing a ball, the sense of belonging with your team. And of course, it was also really hard; working full-time, training, and living in a crowded and busy place (I’m a preferred quiet nature gal).    

Just as I was starting to allow myself to love the game again, I herniated a disc in my cervical spine in a tackle during our second game of the season. In an unexpected way, I felt okay after this injury. Of course, I was sad and I cried a lot, but I understood that life is still so exciting and full outside of rugby. Instead of running from how I felt, I was able to sit with it and understand that my life wasn’t over just because my season was. 

Special shout out to my girlfriend for sitting 12+ hours in the ER with me <3

After another injury, I knew I had to be conscious of the story I was choosing to tell myself.

I made a little flow chart with rugby at the center and started writing all the wonderful things it’s given me. I was only on my first bubble which consisted of people I’ve met through rugby when I realized that was enough. Rugby has given me some of the greatest blessings of my life, my people.

I was finally able to genuinely feel so much gratitude and love for rugby and its place in my life. 

“We heal not as we change what we do upon this world, but how we do it.”  - Briana Weist

Ultimately, I’ve realized rugby versus no rugby isn’t the real question I am asking myself. It’s “Can I show up to rugby wholeheartedly?” 

A year ago, I think my honest answer was no. 

I’m not going to pretend like I have my sign, because I don’t. But whether I continue to play or not will not be because of my previous injuries. Thankfully, I have been able to recover from them. Whether I continue to play or not depends on one thing: when I show up to play, is my whole heart still in it?


That’s where my answer is :)