#36 Accept Where You Are AND Go Forward
For my internship at Relentless I have to write a paper on where I see myself in 2 years. This is something I thought would be super fun for me… If it’s not obvious, I love writing about myself. I’ve known about the assignment for a couple of weeks now and have been queen procrastinator over here. Or I’ll sit down to write it, stare at a blank screen, try to take some notes, then move on to something else. I thought maybe I just needed some more time to think about it, then it sank in that I was 100% actively avoiding this paper. Why? Because I simply do not know where I want to be in 2 years… I don’t even know where I want to be next year once I’ve finished my internship.
These are my notes so far:
“In two years…
I’ll be 27 (almost 28) 2024
empowering girls and women through strength training & rugby
playing international rugby
maybe pursuing a masters?
being part of different communities that feel homey and energizing
further along in my self growth and development journey (increase in confidence and mindfulness)
Greater ability to be present”
Here I am again. Stuck looking at that… self criticizing that it’s far too vague.
I am currently reading Lauren Hough’s book, Leaving Isn’t the Hardest Thing. In her book she talks about growing up in the The Children of God cult, leaving and joining the Air Force but then getting kicked out for being gay. Someone had asked her what she really wants to be doing with her life when she gets out of the cult, she said she had never thought about it. She wrote something along the lines of, “but that’s the definition of depression, not being able to see your future." As soon as I read that I had my ah ha moment… Look at that, I am depressed. Thank you for pointing that out to me, Lauren. And that’s a genuine thank you because without recognizing it I wasn’t able to figure out why I had this lingering sadness always awaiting me after those little moments of joy throughout the day.
Tara Brach wrote in her book, Trusting the Gold that there are 2 kinds of happiness. The kind where things are going your way and happiness for no reason. I flipped that script and thought about the kinds of sadness. No, things aren’t going my way but I was experiencing a deeper sadness, it felt like a sadness for no reason. One may say being away from your favorite thing for 9 months (let’s be clear this is ACL recovery timeline) is a reason for sadness and I see that for sure, but being sad for 9 months doesn’t seem like a life I want to live and I do believe I can find genuine core happiness without playing rugby. That deep sadness I found was stemming from not accepting where I am and who I am in this moment.
During my last ACL surgery I was so depressed I tried to hide from the closest people in my life. The people who I knew would be able to tell my energy was different, and by different I mean my energy was less joyful, more sad. I dodged my friends so hard that they didn’t even know I was depressed until they sat me down and expressed their hurt that I was being a bad friend by not showing up.
This time around I told myself I wouldn’t do that. I’ve opened up to my friends and been vulnerable about my feelings and where I’m at mentally and emotionally. And I feel so so loved by them through this challenging chapter. But I have not accepted myself. I’m wondering where the cheerful giggly goofy Dana went. How can I be loved and valued without her? Where is the hopeful goal oriented Dana? If I’m not working towards something specific, where is my value, my drive, and my ambition? I questioned my worth and my value.
Recognizing this was a multiple part series. First, thanks to Lauren I recognized the depression. Second, I woke up abruptly in the middle of the night to a question that I think came from my subconscious while sleeping? Would I want to hangout with me right now? And the sad thing was my answer was no. That morning was spent reflecting on that answer, why did I feel that way? Why would I not want to hangout with me? That’s when I recognized the traits I felt I had lost during this challenging chapter, when I realized I was not accepting this current version of myself. That’s when I decided my morning guided meditation would be on self acceptance.
And wow! Did I have a cool, unexpected experience. During my meditation I finally felt acceptance and love for the current version of me. The version that’s a little quieter, a little calmer, and a little more sensitive. I had an image come up during the meditation of a flat wooden board being put into a bigger piece like a puzzle, like something that was broken or apart becoming one again and I felt an overwhelming sense of wholeness and belonging. It felt like a visual representation of that part of me that felt broken being whole again. I felt lighter and I felt energized. Like my acceptance of my sadder self ironically made me happier again. The pep in the step was revitalized.
At the end of her book Hough writes, “It’s comforting to know what happens next. But if there’s one thing I know, it’s that no one fucking knows. And it’s terrifying.” I just finished writing my paper for my internship. It’s a direction. And if my future doesn’t look exactly like it, that’s okay! I’ve learned to accept where I am AND go forward in the direction of my hopes for the future, using my values as my guide.