#27 Playing one of the most body positive sports, and still struggling
Rugby is often championed for valuing all body types, shapes, and sizes; inspiring women to feel empowered by their unique body. It’s a sport that has made me feel empowered by my broad shoulders rather than “too manly.” It’s a sport that, since college, has encouraged me to defy social and cultural norms of what a woman “should” look like.
I say since college because in high school I fell victim to the whole not wanting to look too “masculine” thing. I specifically remember having a conversation with one of my best friends at the YMCA about how we didn’t want to lift too much in fear of looking manly. So we tried to work towards that delicate balance of fit for rugby and feminine, because strong was supposedly solely a man’s description. Thankfully, spending time in the women’s rugby community I rewired my thinking to understand that my strength is beautiful. My strength boosts my confidence on and off the pitch. And my strength does not make me any less of a woman.
So lifting became part of my routine, a habit as engrained as turning the light off when I leave a room since my mom locked that one in my noggin long ago. Throughout college I was pretty consistently confident in myself and my body. There were absolutely days when I wasn’t, but generally speaking I loved myself and I loved what I saw in the mirror. It wasn’t until this past year that I felt longer lasting shame about my body.
Over the holiday break I was back home in the US. I remember looking in the gym locker room mirror at myself in my shorts and sports bra and immediately looking away. I didn’t want to see myself. Minutes later I cried in the locker room shower. In the moment I couldn’t place reason for my emotions. I blamed other things going on in my life as the source of my tears when deep down I knew my sadness was a result of my own reflection I had seen in the mirror.
A few weeks later I was back in Getxo. As I took off my jacket when we got inside the restaurant on our way to our first game back my teammate told me I looked bigger than when I left. Another teammate chimed in in agreement. She said, “well, that’s the holidays in the US!” I smiled, I know my teammates didn’t mean anything bad by it. In Spanish culture, generally speaking, people really just tell it like it is. I told myself I started a new lifting program so maybe I’m just bulking up and getting stronger… but admittedly I was still hurt. And I felt less beautiful and less confident. What if I’m slower on the field? Has everybody noticed I’m bigger? I wanted to hide behind baggy sweatshirts and big T shirts.
Although I have to admit, while my general body confidence was down, my booty was POPPIN. I mean, I literally split my pants.
As I’ve mentioned in my blog before, this past year was the first time I experienced the impact of overtraining which included an irregular menstrual cycle and binge eating. Through working with a female athlete nutrition coach I learned that my nutrition can support my recovery immensely from higher volumes and intensities to perform at the level I want to play at. When I sent her my 3 day food log I was a little nervous. I thought she might tell me I’m eating too much. I was worried it would feed into my insecurities. Boy oh boy was I WRONG.
So here I am feeling big being told I should be eating MORE protein and carbs. My first homework assignment was literally to buy fruit snacks for half time at games. I never considered myself to be someone who restricted certain foods but when I really look back on it there are definitely foods I labeled in my mind as good and bad. And every time I did have something in that “bad” category I judged myself.
I remember at High School All American camp we had a nutrition talk and one of the speakers said, “What do you want more? That cookie or to be on the National Team?” That was almost ten years ago; and it STILL has an impact on my thinking around food. If I eat this does that make me uncommitted or unfit to be an elite rugby player? Now I’m being told if I want to perform at my best I better be eating fruit snacks at half time. I freaking LOVE fruit snacks. And I definitely refused to eat sweets during training camps and games because I thought they were “bad” for me. But those sweets are EXACTLY what you need for FAST energy!!
I had a moment in the gym during my lift where I reminded myself that though my body may look different or feel different, it’s still me in here. I am me, this body has carried me through every single moment in my life. My belly and soul are full of happy moments and memories alongside friends and family. I am finding my balance of food to fuel my performance and food to just freaking enjoy because I love it. I am learning there is space and time for all foods. I’m learning to trust my process. And I’m falling in love with myself all over again.